Random Inertia

make me wanna holla!

2003-09-28T16:29:00.000-04:00

actually holla isn't accurate. cry is closer to the actual feeling.

i hate this vague, desolate feeling that i get every now and then. like nothing i ever do will ever make it better. i try to think of things that'll cheer me up but nothing helps. i want so much about my life to change but i can never make that first move to make things change.

oh well - it'll pass, as all things do.

long time no.....well....no anything

2003-09-28T13:30:00.000-04:00

Greetings - it's been quite a while since i've posted anything here. well 17 days to be almost exact. not alot has happened in those 17 days. let's list them, shall we?

1 - worked wayyyyy too much overtime
2 - didn't make near enough money for it
3 - turned 27 on the 21st (yay me!)
4 - read books 1-8 of Lone Wolf and Cub
5 - bowled twice, averaging about 120.....i'm really bad at bowling
6 - ate sushi
7 - got called a dick by more than 3 people
8 - posted my second attempt at a sonnet on Poetrism
9 - hedged on getting hosted again

Ah well - productive time.

No worries though. I find out more and more about myself and I learn that I'm willing to put up with alot more than I originally imagined. So there you have it. I'm a pretty simple guy. If you get mad when I fart, don't act all indignant when I get pissed when you fart. Like I shouldn't get mad at all because I should've known the fart was coming since you had Taco Bell or something.

some shit about me

2003-09-11T02:22:00.000-04:00

hola - i'm bored so i'm going to list some stuff people might not know about me....this'll be fun. trust me.

- i hate clowns
- i can't swim but i grew up in Florida - fucked up huh?
- i dropped out of college
- i was a music perf major
- i have no ambition in life - when asked what i want to be, i usually answer "whatever i am today."
- i'm generally a happy person
- people usually don't believe i'm a happy person
- most people think i'm a dick.....and they're right
- i love sushi
- my favorite book is The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - I read it twice a year, maybe more
- i've never beaten Final Fantasy X but i tell people i have so they don't tell me about it
- i write poetry - sometimes good, sometimes bad, always honest
- my author du jour is Chuck Palahniuk
- i love broadway musicals
- i'm not gay
- i use the Downy ball AND Downy dryer sheets when i do laundry
- i'm seriously not gay - i get that alot
- i've never been arrested but i have been chased
- i'm OCD when it comes to numbered collections - i have to get them all, no exceptions - for example, a friend bought me a Criterion disc and i think it's fucked me up for life; they KEEP ADDING MORE!!!
- the closest i ever came to being brainwashed was when i went to church
- life is good. i honestly have nothing to really complain about. i bitch a bit but that's just part of the ebb and flow of things.

so there - I was bored and you get to see part of me. enjoy.

new poem!

2003-09-08T20:44:00.000-04:00

meaning - 9.8.03

at lunch tonight, my friend asked me that question and I couldn't think of an answer worthy of her so i wrote a poem about it instead. sometimes i get mushy. i don't know why....it just sorta happens. but i usually write good stuff when it does happen so there you have it. it's pure and simple and only begins to scratch the surface as to what she means to me. :)

unrelated side note, I wish Sam Brown would update Exploding Dog sometime this month. I'm sure he's busy and all that but I miss the new pictures. and something's been fuckered up on my favorite web comic for the last couple of days. hope it's not too bad....

looking for hosting

2003-09-08T14:02:00.000-04:00

so I'm checking out different places to get my site hosted (going to be www.poetrism.com) and, if anyone even checks this out on a semi-regular basis, I'd appreciate any suggestions you all could give me as to who I should go with. I'm looking at pairNIC.com right now. They've got a decent, $10/mo. plan and I don't plan on getting so big that I exceed 200mb/month so that might be the right option for me.

suggestions, comments, complaints? send them here.

not nervous anymore

2003-09-07T03:00:00.000-04:00

YAY!!! I just had a great time with my bestest friend. we went bowling with some people from work and, other than getting called a "jealous shit" once, i had a blast. okay okay, even getting called a shit was fun too since she was the one doing it.

i'm also getting my first adventure as a Dungeon Master ready for two of my players. i need to get more involved but, once we're all living within 5 minutes of each other, it'll be alot easier to plan and get things going. as it stands now, we all live at least 30 minutes from each other, Huntington being the central most location between my best friend, K and I. :) (K is all i'll say as she knows who she is).

so anyways, it's going to be a rough time getting everyone together but it'll be fun once we're all set. i hope i'm a good DM. i don't want to be a rules hag and constantly haggle with people over some obscure rule and i don't want ot stretch the rules so much that it's way over-balanced and the people aren't having fun because it's too easy. i just want to make it hard enough where they actually feel a sense of accomplishment when their character does well and a sense of loss or sadness when they don't. it won't be impossible but it's not going to be a cakewalk either.

i'll post the results of my first foray in the DM world here once we're finished with the first chapter entitled "Judgement."

so i'm a bit nervous

2003-09-06T19:44:00.000-04:00

i hate feeling like i've done something wrong - i think i mentioned that a post or two back - and i've been sitting here for the last 4 hours trying to figure out what i've done and how i can fix it. i never mean to hurt her and it kills me when i do.....

so here's the deal - we almost stopped being friends because i would get unnaturally jealous over every guy she talked to or emailed. i would mainly feel insecure in the fact that she was talking/emailing someone else and not me. after one week where i'd acted particularly horrid, i thought i'd lost her forever......i was lucky. she really cares about me and i her and, so far, that's helped us get through some times where i've been downright overbearing. we're finally comfortable with each other again and i go and ruin it by telling her i've been emailing someone she thinks i might be interested in. in all honesty, i was just asking if she'd heard from my friend because, after we left the bar last night, she was kind of drunk and i was worried because she didn't email me when she got home. i have no interest in this person, just like she has no interest in the guys that i get jealous of, but it looked bad because this person emailed her and told her she was talking to me......

i don't know. she knows how i feel about her. she knows that i don't even consider other women as any more than friends. she told me once that her friendship with this guy doesn't take away from our friendship and i believe her. i feel the same way.....my friendship (and i use friendship loosely - she's a work acquaintance) with her has no bearing on how i feel about my bestest friend in the whole wide world.

question

2003-09-06T19:19:00.000-04:00

have you ever?

.....farted and it smelled exactly like what you just ate?

that's honestly some scary stuff right there. i swear my insides have revolted and they're disassociating my stomach and intestines with the whole digestion business. it's really quite gross. it's a one-way ticket to hershey squirts for whatever i eat....

i hate it....

new poem!!

2003-09-06T00:50:00.000-04:00

topography of waves - 9.5.03

basically written for a friend of mine. she really means alot to me and, from time to time, I like to put what's running through my mind to something more "readable" for her. :) i'm not the best at getting what I'm thinking out but, hopefully, that gives her a better idea.

as to that, i'm horrible at saying the wrong thing or reacting the wrong way. i think it's mainly due to my paranoid nature combined with my lack of human contact experience, i tend to take things very literally and jump to some pretty odd conclusions. for instance, if I think i've upset someone (her especially), I agonize over it for hours and believe that she thinks i'm the lowest form of trash on the planet (which she never has). i hate feeling like she's upset with me and i especially hate not knowing how to fix it or make it better.

that said, i'm hoping she's not mad at me now but she may be. i have a tendency to say and do some pretty stupid shit and, to her credit, she's stuck by my side through thick and thin. and she means the world to me for it. :) there's nothing that I wouldn't do for her and she knows that. she knows that, if something ever happened, she's got one person who will always be on her side and back her up, no matter what. i like being the go-to guy and, if it means i get to spend a little more time with her, WOOHOO!

Ahhhh.....

2003-09-01T12:00:00.000-04:00

....that's a sigh of relief.

I'm not sure why I feel relieved but I think everything is going to be okay. :)

My friend I was talking about a couple days ago is still hurting bad and I wish there was something I could do to make the pain go away. I mean, I did what I could while I was there but, because I live an hour away, I can't be there as much as I want to. I hope she feels better soon....I'm starting to get worried. The pain pills are making her sick and the dentist guy won't be in until Tuesday....it's been a looonnnggg weekend with no pain relief and that alone would drive me nuts. She's handling it so much better than I would. :) She even came out last night to a fantasy football draft. :) In fact, she was the only real reason I went in the first place.

Which brings me to my other topic. I'm a hermit in the keenest sense of the word. For as long as I can remember, I've been okay with never seeing another human being during the course of my day. Before I started working here, I'd go to my job, work my eight hours and then go home. Weekends, I'd just hang out at home. I've never really put much into the social aspect of life. I've never felt the need to. For as long as I can remember, people have let me down. The only people who haven't are my family and this woman. :) She's the only one outside of family that I can count on to be there for me when I need her. And I dig that....

OOH!!! I had a great dream about someone the other night. I won't go into details because those are just for her but it was a doozy. :)

FREEDOM!!

2003-08-28T02:08:00.000-04:00

.......Another day done at the 'zon. Fun times indeed.

If anyone reads this, I'm working with my ISP to set up a mail account. Fuck little feedback links. Just send me an email if you dig something you read here.

not a whole lot to talk about today. my best friend goes in to have her wisdom teeth removed (all four....YEOW!!) and I'll be taking care of her tomorrow. Taking her to her appt, bringing her back, feeding her and generally keeping her sane. :)

i had something i wanted to vent about but I don't remember what it was. for one, i wish blogger would fix their blogspot-plus ordering thing so I can get a bigger account and start posting pics and shit. that'll be fun.

anyways, off to watch Seven Samurai.

Midday Ennui

2003-08-27T18:15:00.000-04:00

yeah - so another worthless meeting and i think my head will explode. i swear there has to be a reason that God hates me so much. otherwise, i'd be rid of this silly self-loathing and stupid jealousy that creeps up at the most fucked up of times.

oh well - so i've got half a month's work to finish in two days. i'm raring to go....home. as much as i love doing this, it won't make a difference 20 years from now.

and somehow, i'm okay with that most days.

so....

2003-08-27T02:14:00.000-04:00

my first thought in creating this journal to accompany poetrism was that i would need to find something interesting to say. what i've discovered is, since no one really reads it anyways, is that it doesn't really matter what i say or when i update. content-wise, i think verbal diarrhea would best describe this page. as far as updates go, whenever the hell i feel like it is the best descriptive.

today was an alright day by my standards. no freak-outs and my dvds came in so that was hunky dory. Seven Samurai and The Lady Vanishes, numbers 2 and 3 respectively from the Criterion Collection. i haven't had the chance to watch anything, since i just got home, but they're both high on my list since i count Hitchcock and Kurosawa among my favorite directors. work was busy, as usual, and i got some nice compliments on my "linebacker" physique. personally, i think they were just kissing ass but it was still cool.

that's it for today, kids. if i can think of anything else, i'll forget to add it.

listening to: The Mars Volta - Deloused in the Comatorium
reading: Bridget Jones' Diary......i know......

first time here

2003-08-26T05:02:00.000-04:00

hola - it's about 5:00am Tuesday morning and I just got done watching The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. WOOT!! I'm a dork of the highest order. One who would forsake sleep to sit and eat sauerkraut and watch big ass trees toss rocks at things. I was in Nirvana!!

anyways, if you're here, Hi! Pull up a chair and check out my poetry site, Poetrism. What does Poetrism mean? Absofuckinglutely nothing. I have no idea what it means. It just sounds good. Say it a few times.....I'll wait.

Cool, huh? Kinda rolls off of the tongue. anyways, you'll notice a few things about my writing. my punctutation is spotty and my grammar is worse but at least I can fucking spell. i'll be updating this site whenever the mood strikes, about the same as Poetrism. stay tuned and you'll get a portrait of who i am by what i write. i don't fuck around. some of the things you'll read here are pure anger and hate. shit happens. this is the real world, get a fucking helmet. i'll try my best to be civil but I can't promise anything.

listening to:some shitty DMX song (oh how far you've fallen, X)
reading:About a Boy - Nick Hornby