9.06.2003

so i'm a bit nervous

i hate feeling like i've done something wrong - i think i mentioned that a post or two back - and i've been sitting here for the last 4 hours trying to figure out what i've done and how i can fix it. i never mean to hurt her and it kills me when i do.....

so here's the deal - we almost stopped being friends because i would get unnaturally jealous over every guy she talked to or emailed. i would mainly feel insecure in the fact that she was talking/emailing someone else and not me. after one week where i'd acted particularly horrid, i thought i'd lost her forever......i was lucky. she really cares about me and i her and, so far, that's helped us get through some times where i've been downright overbearing. we're finally comfortable with each other again and i go and ruin it by telling her i've been emailing someone she thinks i might be interested in. in all honesty, i was just asking if she'd heard from my friend because, after we left the bar last night, she was kind of drunk and i was worried because she didn't email me when she got home. i have no interest in this person, just like she has no interest in the guys that i get jealous of, but it looked bad because this person emailed her and told her she was talking to me......

i don't know. she knows how i feel about her. she knows that i don't even consider other women as any more than friends. she told me once that her friendship with this guy doesn't take away from our friendship and i believe her. i feel the same way.....my friendship (and i use friendship loosely - she's a work acquaintance) with her has no bearing on how i feel about my bestest friend in the whole wide world.

question

have you ever?

.....farted and it smelled exactly like what you just ate?

that's honestly some scary stuff right there. i swear my insides have revolted and they're disassociating my stomach and intestines with the whole digestion business. it's really quite gross. it's a one-way ticket to hershey squirts for whatever i eat....

i hate it....


new poem!!

topography of waves - 9.5.03

basically written for a friend of mine. she really means alot to me and, from time to time, I like to put what's running through my mind to something more "readable" for her. :) i'm not the best at getting what I'm thinking out but, hopefully, that gives her a better idea.

as to that, i'm horrible at saying the wrong thing or reacting the wrong way. i think it's mainly due to my paranoid nature combined with my lack of human contact experience, i tend to take things very literally and jump to some pretty odd conclusions. for instance, if I think i've upset someone (her especially), I agonize over it for hours and believe that she thinks i'm the lowest form of trash on the planet (which she never has). i hate feeling like she's upset with me and i especially hate not knowing how to fix it or make it better.

that said, i'm hoping she's not mad at me now but she may be. i have a tendency to say and do some pretty stupid shit and, to her credit, she's stuck by my side through thick and thin. and she means the world to me for it. :) there's nothing that I wouldn't do for her and she knows that. she knows that, if something ever happened, she's got one person who will always be on her side and back her up, no matter what. i like being the go-to guy and, if it means i get to spend a little more time with her, WOOHOO!

9.01.2003

Ahhhh.....

....that's a sigh of relief.

I'm not sure why I feel relieved but I think everything is going to be okay. :)

My friend I was talking about a couple days ago is still hurting bad and I wish there was something I could do to make the pain go away. I mean, I did what I could while I was there but, because I live an hour away, I can't be there as much as I want to. I hope she feels better soon....I'm starting to get worried. The pain pills are making her sick and the dentist guy won't be in until Tuesday....it's been a looonnnggg weekend with no pain relief and that alone would drive me nuts. She's handling it so much better than I would. :) She even came out last night to a fantasy football draft. :) In fact, she was the only real reason I went in the first place.

Which brings me to my other topic. I'm a hermit in the keenest sense of the word. For as long as I can remember, I've been okay with never seeing another human being during the course of my day. Before I started working here, I'd go to my job, work my eight hours and then go home. Weekends, I'd just hang out at home. I've never really put much into the social aspect of life. I've never felt the need to. For as long as I can remember, people have let me down. The only people who haven't are my family and this woman. :) She's the only one outside of family that I can count on to be there for me when I need her. And I dig that....

OOH!!! I had a great dream about someone the other night. I won't go into details because those are just for her but it was a doozy. :)